What I can never do for him
by Xxloves-lossxX
Summary: Jim was shown the friendship he was supposed to have with Spock. He reflects on what he will never be able to do for Spock now that he is with Uhura. Angsty but not slash. You can see it as such if you wish but it wasn't written as such.


**A/N: This is a simple story about the things Jim will never be able to do for Spock, the things that Spock prime may have accidentally shown him, because Spock is in love with Uhura.**

**This is not Slash, you can see it that way if you want but it isn't, this is simply the story. These are things that actually happened between TOS Kirk and Spock that cannot happen in the new series.**

**No warnings really, I disclaim this yadda yadda blah blah, and so on and such forth.**

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I shouldn't be sitting here right now, in my quarters, I should be on the bridge commanding my ship. I should be talking to my first officer about his duties, instructing my crew on what to do, and smiling like the fool they all think I am. I shouldn't be doing this, and I know it, I shouldn't be sitting alone on my bed and I know it won't to me any good to sit here and be late but I can't help it. I guess it's just hard, in all honesty I do this every day, because something inside me is wounded. I know that this shouldn't be hurting, I shouldn't be wounded, and that I should be alright. I shouldn't even know to be honest, I shouldn't even care, but I do. He's my best friend, a good friend, and I care for him in the way I know I should but every time he stands close to her I realize and remember what could never happen. I see all the things I could have done for him, I remember all the things I hadn't yet done for him, and I know it will never happen.

Things from a past that hasn't happened yet, things that he and I should have had the chance to go through, bits and pieces of another reality. A reality that I cannot touch, one where he doesn't have her, a place where we are close and I am not… me. We don't hate each other, not now, and he speaks to me without seeming to find me a nuisance but I know something he doesn't and it's painful. I see him with her and I realize what will never happen, I realize all that I won't be able to do for him, things I know I would have done willingly and I know that we will never be what we were supposed to be because of it. So I sit, and I hurt, and I feel cheated because we can never be what we were supposed to be.

I shouldn't be feeling cheated, I shouldn't feel hurt, and I know that I shouldn't be thinking about it. Because we could have never met, he and I, we could have never been what we are now, but when I remember the bits and pieces I know that we still will never be something we were supposed to be. I see her and I don't hate her, I never could, but I feel cheated. I realize I will never be able to help him through "Pon'far". I will never be able to give my life for his happiness, and he will never know how I would have done it so willingly. I see her, when she stands close to him, and I know I will never be able to take the fall for him. I will never be able to tell him it's okay, or have him smile at me, because he will save that just for her.

I listen to them when she tell him he loves him, as she guides him to embrace his humanity, and I have to sit on the sidelines and silently cheer on because I know that now… I could never be that for him. I am cheated out of helping him, out of doing more than just saving his life, and I know this. I cannot help him be who he is going to be because the me that I had been, the us we should have been, is no longer a probability. For us there are no chess games, he doesn't sit across from me and move the pieces, because he is with her and I am alone in this room. I feel cheated because I will never know that, because he will be with her and choose her company over mine, and I feel cheated because I still can't read him.

I hurt, because he won't get close, and I hurt because I know I will never hear him call me T'hy'la, because he will never know me as such. He has her, he will whisper it to her, and he will always have and I will just be me. I will be the one sitting with my head in my hand and mourning what shouldn't be known to me, I will be the one wondering what else I could have done for him, and I will be the only one hurting. I shouldn't, but I do, and I will because I feel as if something has been taken from me. The opportunity we were meant to have has been stolen away from us without use knowing and I am angry, and hurt, but I know there is nothing I can do.

I should be on the bridge right now, sitting in the captains chair, and congratulating him on his engagement. I should be commanding but I am angry because I was shown what I have lost. I know of something else that I have had taken away and yet I am still… Happy for him. In a way I know that these things could have never been, that it was good to have them taken away, because we could have never been that. Not with the way I am, with who I have been, and I know that he will be better with just what we have. Because one day he will let me fall, because he will have her, and I will know what could have been and I will hurt but let myself fall. I will remember the time in the past we should have been heading for that he would have pulled me up instead and I will fall but the pain will be quick.

I will know what he doesn't, about the us from then to now, and I will know it was for the best. The us now could never have been them, this parallel entity that is Spock and Kirk ruined by a mad man. We will never be what we were meant to be, no matter who tells us otherwise, and it hurts. I will never be able to save him but as I stand to dress I know that is wrong. I will always be there to save him but it will never be for us, it will never be because he is my closest friend, it will always be for her. I will save his life in the end and he will let me fall because that's how we are now. No matter what I do, or say, this will never change and it hurts. I won't save his humanity, I won't save his happiness, I won't be there to show him who he is. I won't be there when he's dying, so I won't intrude on them, and I won't be there to cry for a time he dies. He will never thank me, never smile at me, he will never know of what we were meant to be and he will never be able to say he is sorry for what was lost.

We will never be who we were and he will never understand the sadness I hide. With that thought I step into the turbo lift, my heart protesting the thought of seeing them, but at least I know he will never know. He can be happy, and not worry, he can marry her and love her and he can let me go when the time comes. The turbo lift opens and I see them standing close, Spock leaning over to look at Uhura's station, and I feel something break deep inside me. We are friends, we will always be friends, and I am grateful for this but we will never be brothers. Even as my friendly greeting echoes out, everyone turning to me to great me, I know that one day he will let me fall for what he has and I will let him do so. Because he will not be what we were but I will know, and I will be, and I know I will just have to let go.

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**A/N: Alright so I know this just seems like me whining, and you all probably hated this, but this is just a what if. Kirk love his friends, he always had, and I cannot see him being okay with never knowing the Spock he should have. This isn't saying that they won't be close, this Kirk is close with Spock, but there are thing that brought the closer in the original series that they will now never know. I can also see that Spock will not get as close to Kirk because he has Uhura, because he loves her, and I can see him one day choosing her over saving Kirk and instead of trying for the impossible, admitting defeat. In the end the story becomes more tragic than it was before because Kirk will always know, for the rest of his life, and Spock will never understand why his friend is so sad sometimes.**

**Edit: Just so it's clear guys this is a story from Jims perspective. After all that happened between him and Spock with this added hurdle this is what he fears will happen. Remember his character as a whole has been drug through the mud not matter what verse he is in. These are largely thoughts that Jim would have. I know that any of the crew would give their lives for each other but Jim doesn't know that yet. :P Just thought I would mention that.**


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